Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I smell like Dick and happiness
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
