Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
