idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
