I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
