Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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