you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
