I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
