Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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