My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
