You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Green mimosas i think yes
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
