she smelled like a LAN party
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
