i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
