So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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