so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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