i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
