My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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