is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
