Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
