dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
