I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
