Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Randomize
