Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
