Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
