and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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