U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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