hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
