I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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