i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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