I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
