I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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