It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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