last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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