he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
