GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
