Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't deserve a penis
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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