There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
