i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
