I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
