I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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