P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
