I met the friendliest cop last night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
