he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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