Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
