Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
