I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
