I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
