i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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