my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
