I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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