My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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