I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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