Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
