guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
