it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
