why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
