Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
