he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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